My Boss is a Lazy Jerk

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Free Advice from Intuitive Life Coach, Anandra George

Dear Anandra, My manager is a lazy jerk. He thinks we are just there to serve him, and he's often curt with me. I admit I often give him the shortest possible answer to his question, just to toy with him. He tells me he feels sensitive around me, too. I go into work every day promising myself that I'm going to be present and non-reactive, but I get frustrated. My job is perfect for me except for the relationship with the manager, which is driving me nuts. Is this a sign I should move on?

Chelsea

Dear Chelsea

First of all, I applaud your honesty. It indicates a high degree of integrity that you're willing to look at your contribution to this uncomfortable relationship, and self-awareness of your motivations is the first step towards changing how you relate to others.

Before we move into what I see as the real question, I'd like to address your inquiry, "Is this a sign I should move on?" I judiciously avoid making predictions for people, because it doesn't feel responsible to me. Only you can sense deeply into the direction of your inner compass, and follow its course. That said, it's not "a sign" if you're running from an uncomfortable lesson, an evolutionary tension point that if embraced wholeheartedly, could lead to a much deeper experience of self-awareness and true connection with life.

If you would be so kind as to allow me a small word of caution, which I think may be helpful to you and many readers: Often those on the "spiritual" path start using signs, intuition, guidance, etc. to avoid dealing with the sometimes-gritty reckoning of their identity and their unconscious defense systems. While it may seem like the easy thing to do in the short term, it does not do them any favors in the long run. It creates further disconnect and does not support an integrated spiritual life. I could go on, but suffice it to say: Be Careful! Learn to distinguish (the sometimes confusing and distracting) inner voices of fear and defensiveness, from the deeper gut voice of your pure intuition. Hint: Guidance arises from fullness, not reaction. If you need help sorting through your voices, bounce your ideas off someone you trust not to collude with you, someone who'll tell you the truth.

Now, how to deal with the situation with your manager: It sounds like you'd really like to experience more ease and harmony in your workday. Yes! Sounds great, and sounds totally possible, if you're willing to be even more honest, self-connected, and self-responsible.

1. Give yourself empathy. Before you gloss over your discomfort and judge yourself for not being more saintly, take a bit of time to acknowledge how you feel. Angry, irritated, frustrated, disgusted (with him and also yourself)? Despondent, Hopeless?

2. Listen to your feelings. They're there there to show you loud and clear what's really important to you. Get curious about what your strong feelings are guiding you towards. Are you...?

   a. Angry because you'd like.... (respect, mutuality, equality, connection, and a sense of teamwork in the office?)
   b. Disgusted because you'd like... (to trust in your own integrity to stop punishing him?),
   c. Hopeless because you'd like... (harmony, to enjoy your workday?)

3. Savor it. Try it on. What would it feel like if you were having those experiences? Just saying those words to yourself, and imagining feeling them fully gives you some delicious relief, doesn't it?

4. Own your responsibility. They are universal human needs, and you feel them inside of you, whether your external environment appears to be supporting them or not. That's the key to self-empathy. Even if your outward situation does not appear to be giving you what you want, you have 100% control over how you feel. You can be savoring the feeling of respect, mutuality, equality, connection, and a sense of teamwork within yourself regardless of what your manager does or says.

5. Be open to experience the situation in a new way. When you're feeling full, you're not looking outside of yourself for satisfaction. And this has a magical effect; your environment becomes charged with those qualities, and you begin to attract experiences which validate them. It is easier to ask for what you want in the external circumstance if you're not dependent on it. (The opposite is also true: If you linger in anger because you're not feeling respected, you'll continue to attract experiences which validate non-respect.)

6. If appropriate, make a specific, do-able request. It's probably not realistic for you to ask your boss, "Stop being such a jerk!" But it might be possible to say, "When you ask me to do X, would you explain a bit more? It would help me engage the project from a place of connection to its purpose."

Then, experiment with empathy for your manager. Be forewarned: Seeing his humanity will dismantle your enemy image of him as well as the protective fortress of your self-righteousness. But based on your intention of staying present every day, I think it's what you really want.

1. How do you think he is feeling? You said sensitive. Maybe also nervous, anxious, vulnerable, scared?

2. What do you think he would really like to be experiencing? Maybe acceptance, ease, respect, equality? (Interesting... some of the very same things you'd like to experience.)

If one dance partner changes their steps, the other is likely to synch up eventually. If things don't improve in the relationship with your manager, at least they will have improved in your relationship with yourself. Then you can consider whether ease is more urgent than further learning within this dynamic, and look for a new job if that's your "guidance" (wink).

I L-O-V-E doing this type of work with people, because I see it as contributing profoundly to peace. (It's based somewhat on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Non-Violent Communication.) There's much more we could get into of practical import, but for now, self-empathy, and empathy for the other is a great start.

Anandra
Intuitive Life Coach

Disclaimer: Anandra's advice is not meant to override your personal health providers' recommendations/prescriptions, but is intended to offer a new perspective and encourage your inner wisdom to guide the best course of action.

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My Boss is a Lazy Jerk originally appeared on About.com Holistic Healing on Thursday, July 29th, 2010 at 08:00:08.

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